I’m in a much better mood than I have been for about the last ten days. I was about to text River to tell her then I realized why: we had a great fuck last night. The first one in about ten days. Now I really have to text her. Ok. Just did.
For a long time I’ve said River’s fatal flaw is being too nice, or rather, too accommodating, at her own expense. But lately it’s being too busy, not having a good work/school/life balance. Which may just be fallout from that first fatal flaw. Because of the imbalance I haven’t been feeling emotionally or physically close in the right ways to want to initiate sex. I’d actually rather support her by letting her get the sleep she needs. Which is ok for while.
We talk about this of course, and she opens up most of a day for family activities which was great. But at the end of the day (literally), I feel like sex would just be something I do to her, sex for sex’s sake, or rather for my sake. I still don’t have the right emotional warmup.
So I think about it, because that’s what I do, and I realize that I haven’t done a back rub for her in a while. Back rubs are great. I love touching and being touched. I love River melting beneath me. Back rubs are good physical and emotional warmup for both of us.
So I let River know that’s what we need, and she agrees. We’re so compatible.
And we have a good back rub followed by a great fuck with an incredible finish.
And the next day I’m in a good mood. Sex is my best antidepressant ever. I want a prescription for it. I want to be able to say, “Look! My doctor says sex PRN but at least every other day. Unlimited refills.”
P.S. That would be a fine ending for this post. But I have to add, I wish I had a doctor. Where we live there aren’t enough to go around. Maybe River can get the prescription.
For a while I’ve been wondering what to do here. I still am. It’s not like I’m out of ideas. I’ve got ideas. I’ve even written some of them. But haven’t posted them. At least not yet.
River has gotten increasingly asexual. I understand and relate to that by thinking about my own asocial tendencies. Not antisocial. Asocial. There’s a limit to how much social I can take, but I do like it every now and then and even miss it when I haven’t been social for a while. But I don’t think about it much. And I don’t seek it out.
And that’s how River is with sex. Doesn’t think about it, doesn’t seek it out, can’t take too much of it, but definitely enjoys it when it happens in moderation, both the sex itself and the connection it gives us.
I was going to write more but I’ll stop there for now, even though I’ve got a lot of words rattling around in my head that want to come out.
Ok, I’ll let some words out. We’ve decided to cut back from every three days or so to maybe once a month, or whenever River feels the urge. That’s one of my ways of showing River I love her.
This is not going to be one of those situations where the man or woman says fuck it, I’m not going to initiate, I’m going to wait until my partner comes to me. If ever. I’ve read people who write about stuff like that. Their relationship is already lost and they can’t even talk about it. Waiting for your partner is not going to fix anything. It’s a recipe for disaster, and the dish has already been cooked.
River and I talk. Our relationship is good. Our plan is mutual. Never mind that we’ve made the same once-a-month or whenever plan many times before and I haven’t been able to stick with it. Snuggling with River every night without sex isn’t easy. It’s like foreplay for me. But not for her, she says.
We had a great fuck last night. I should be writing about that.
“I noticed a bit of a prod around 6:30.” That was me spooning River this morning with my morning erection nestled up under the fuzz of her vulva. “I like being able to do that.” “I would have let you stick it in, but I fell asleep.” Not like being asleep matters. But I shake my head. “Not the right kind?” “Yeah. Sometimes the morning ones are for the right reason, but not that one.” Fucking with a random morning erection is like fucking just for the sake of fucking. And it can be hard to come. “But you make me feel accepted, and that’s important to me.” “It’s nice to be accepted.”